Pockets of Grief
Thursday, August 24, 2006
A friend of mine recently wrote me an email and used this term to describe the grief after a miscarriage. I couldn't describe it better. Some days I feel so normal, and if the thought of the miscarriage comes to mind, there's a sense of sadness, but certainly not devastatingly so. And then there are days, where it feels like my heart is being ripped from me, and tears flow more freely than I'm used to.
I think one of the most difficult things that I'm feeling right now is a sense of thwarted expectations. After being terrified of pregnancy for years, becoming pregnant was a surprisingly smooth transition. It was easy to begin to mentally prepare myself for the emotional and physical changes that would be taking place in me. It was easy to be "ok" with the widening hips and extra fat. It was easy to begin thinking about life as a mom, thinking about how our schedules would change or how I would handle this situation or that one.
Expectations are powerful things and it seems like these ones are impossible to reverse. I feel like all these things were set in motion inside me, but now they have nowhere to go and are getting all bunched up in my heart. Even the little things weird me out; like sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, it just doesn't feel quite right. I was finally prepared for that pregnant body and now to be "just me" again feels like I'm not what I should be. I have such a deep sense that I'm missing something.
In those 10 short weeks, something in me became a mother, but now I'm a mother with out a child, a confusing predicament for a heart to be in.
I think one of the most difficult things that I'm feeling right now is a sense of thwarted expectations. After being terrified of pregnancy for years, becoming pregnant was a surprisingly smooth transition. It was easy to begin to mentally prepare myself for the emotional and physical changes that would be taking place in me. It was easy to be "ok" with the widening hips and extra fat. It was easy to begin thinking about life as a mom, thinking about how our schedules would change or how I would handle this situation or that one.
Expectations are powerful things and it seems like these ones are impossible to reverse. I feel like all these things were set in motion inside me, but now they have nowhere to go and are getting all bunched up in my heart. Even the little things weird me out; like sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, it just doesn't feel quite right. I was finally prepared for that pregnant body and now to be "just me" again feels like I'm not what I should be. I have such a deep sense that I'm missing something.
In those 10 short weeks, something in me became a mother, but now I'm a mother with out a child, a confusing predicament for a heart to be in.
